Always check the date on any unlikely sounding press release, just in case it is the first of April, April Fool's Day. As ever, car companies - and the wider motor-related industry - like to think it has a sense of humour, and so we get an annual cavalcade of comedy press releases, all of which are designed to amuse. Here's the pick of this year's crop…
Scalextric motorway
Wouldn't it be so much easier, both for electric cars and autonomous cars, if you could just lower a charging post into a slot on the road, topping up your battery and doing all your steering at the same time?
Well, that wonderful idea has now been made real (no, it hasn't…) by Scalextric, the world's acknowledged expert in driving and charging cars via slots. Following what the official release describes as "formal engagement with national transport stakeholders”, Scalextric is about to embark (no, it isn't…) on a pilot project which will see "a new approach to vehicle control and traffic management designed to improve efficiency, reduce congestion, and bring a little more order to the nation's busiest roads.”
Selected vehicles, we are told, will be given special modifications, including "the installation of an underbody guide blade, integration of a dual copper braid contact system and the optional addition of a digital lane-change chip to support controlled junction transitions. The system is designed to align vehicles precisely within designated travel corridors, significantly reducing lateral movement and removing unnecessary overtaking. In practice, this means no more drifting between lanes, no more last-minute swerves - and, potentially, no more arguments about who should have moved over.”
Scalextric says that it has also eliminated the need to steer, as all vehicle control will be taken care of by "careful throttle input." Possibly involving a small, plastic, hand-held controller, eh, Scalextric?
"Scalextric has a long heritage in delivering controlled, efficient vehicle movement within guided systems,” said Simon Owen, Head of Brand, Scalextric. "For many, the concept will feel surprisingly familiar. We are pleased to be supporting this pilot and exploring how these principles could be applied at scale. In the unlikely event of a vehicle leaving the guidance system, referred to within the pilot as a 'deslot', trained motorway marshals will respond within defined service intervals to safely return vehicles to operation - with minimal fuss and no judgement.”
A little bird told me…
Meanwhile, Volkswagen has introduced (no, it hasn't…) a new warning sound for T-Roc owners, specifically those ordering a bright yellow T-Roc. It's a new Canary Assist, which replaces the annoying blind-spot warning bing-bong with an actual small yellow songbird, which we are told (no, not really…) chirps cheerfully when it spots you're about to steer into the path of a car in your blind spot.
"Most drivers consider themselves to be eagle-eyed, but nobody can match modern electronics when it comes to spotting dangers,” said Chris Starling (Really? Ed.), Product Marketing Manager at Volkswagen. "Our new Canary-Assist blind spot monitor gives drivers a swift response to potential hazards, so they can avoid ruffling the feathers of other motorists.”
Apparently, the Canary Assist option is only available for a T-Roc in Canary Yellow paint (that's actually real, the paint), and the option code is 04.f001.
Bum note
Fiat has seen massive success with its range of Fiat Professional vans, but one problem that always crops up when the hard-working types who buy such vans get their tools out (ahem) is that we can see something we should not see. That's right - builder's butt crack.
Thankfully, Fiat Professional now has the answer (no, it hasn't…) in the form of a special clothing range designed to keep pants in place, and bums out of sight. Designed by up-and-coming designer Alessandro Cheekwood (we like that…), the new 'No-Show Range' features various coloured shorts and trousers, with a high-rise fit, an additional extended waistband at the back, as well as reinforced stretch panels to ensure full coverage while lifting and bending. Designer Cheekwood has also created a heavy-duty and breathable, crack-control fabric that offers a practical solution tailored to modern tradespeople.
"Workwear is changing and it's time to tackle the 'Builder's Bum' crisis… with style. We have created a range that's practical, modest and that will eliminate the need for constant readjustments. A line dedicated to ending the crack era,” said Cheekwood (who, we would remind you, is entirely fictional).
A Fiat Professional spokesperson added: "'Builder's Bum' is something we all laugh about but is a very serious crisis. This collaboration brings together function and design in a way that respects the needs of workers, while allowing them to add a touch of style to the workplace. We hope that the 'No-Show Range' provides a simple, well-designed solution - keeping everything covered, no matter the task. At the end of the day, Crack Happens - We Fix It!”
Doggy style
Speaking as a dog owner, our fluffy companions are a nightmare when it comes to cars. They're always dragging mud, dust, even fox poo into our cars and onto our seats. Why oh why must we continue to endure the annoyance of a mucky dog after a refreshing walk?
Well, Skoda says we don't have to anymore (no, it doesn't…). That's thanks to its new accessory, the Hound Hose. This consists of a water tank and a pull-out pressurised hose which lives in the slot in the driver's door, usually occupied by a Skoda umbrella, which you can use to wash off your pup.
Apparently, the hose has three settings (no, it doesn't…). Those are: Skoda Spritz - for a quick-wash function for lightly muddy escapades; Matted in mud - a mid setting for dogs that made the most of every puddle on the walk; and I love you, but you're not getting in my brand-new Skoda when you are this muddy - the strongest setting to get the dirtiest of dogs perfectly pampered.
If you're a posh Skoda buyer and you've ticked the box for a range-topping Laurin & Klement model, there's an upgraded Hound Hose with built-in shampoo and heated water. RS models, meanwhile, get a turbocharged water pump for higher pressures and faster washing. Pawla Fetchmore, from Skoda, said: "Skoda is barking mad about dogs, and we know first-hand that the majority of dog owners - from those that own the tiniest chihuahuas to the greatest of Danes - have, at least once, rolled their eyes and sighed at the sight of dirty paw prints squelched into the carpet of a new car. With the Hound Hose, Skoda has put both dog and owner first, adding this ingenious feature to the already essential line-up of Simply Clever features.”
And the rest…
There's been nothing as brilliant as BMW's April Fool's from last year, when it made up a racing version of the M3 Touring estate, which was so well received that it actually made one for real, and it will be racing at the Nurburgring this year (see more on that here).
MINI Australia did announce a fraudulent 'ute' pickup version called the Bushman, which was so cute that we reckon that might too become a reality this time next year.
Renault shows off an electric-powered skateboard, capable of burnouts, and inspired by the amazing Renault 5 Turbo 3E high-performance electric car. F1 website The-Race suggested that Formula One cars will have to get around their current battery-charging issues by covering the bodywork with solar panels, while Chinese car maker Geely says it has solar-cell paint now (actually, that may not necessarily be an April Fool's…). Scalextric rival Carrera has introduced (no, it hasn't…) a trackside petrol station with 'era-appropriate' pricing, while the organisers of the Le Mans 24 Hours said that this year's race start has been moved to midnight (no, it hasn't…). Mercedes-Benz revealed a car that can, at the touch of a button, shrink down to Hot Wheels size for easier parking (wasn't that in Ant-Man?), which we only wish were true.
Did we miss any? Did you spot any other car-related April Fool's that we didn't? Hit us up on our social media accounts and let us know. The most eagle-eyed readers will be rewarded with a mention when we update this piece.